A friend said, ‘I quit smoking cold turkey.’
I said, ‘So what do you smoke now?’ 

Boycott shampoo… Demand REAL poo!

I started a diet recently.
I’m trying to get back to my original weight
— eight pounds, three ounces.

My nephew has his mother’s eyes, and his mother’s mouth
… which left his mother with a pretty blank expression.

A man in a pet store asked,
“Have you any kittens going cheap?”
“No sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “meow.”

She’s always late.
Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

Somebody once asked me if I picked my nose.
I replied: No. I was born with it.

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

They say women should not have children after 35.
I agree. 35 children are enough.

Did you hear about the cat who ate a ball of yarn? 
She had mittens.

Q. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
A. Unique Up On It.

Q. How would you find Adam and Eve in a crowd?
A. They’re the ones without belly buttons.

Q. If George Washington were alive today,
what would he be most noted for?
A. His old age.

Q. What do southern belles usually make for supper?
A. Reservations

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
A. Anyone Can Roast Beef. 

. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
. Why don’t they call mustaches mouthbrows?
. Whose idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Our funny English:

. Public bathrooms have no baths.

. Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham

. An alarm clock goes off by going on

. Boxing rings are square

. If a writer writes, shouldn’t fingers fing?

. If one goose is two geese, shouldn’t one moose be two meese?

. If teachers taught, did preachers praught?

. If tooth becomes teeth, why doesn’t booth become beeth?